Modern Dating: The death of single people

Do you know what’s it like to be single these days? It’s a nonstop barrage of dating apps, where 90% of people have the same profile. I’m not kidding. It’s like someone wrote down what profiles for guys should look at and they all decided to follow that guide.

Choose one photo with a dog, one photo where you’re dressed up for a wedding, one photo with some friends, but not too many, just a few, just to show how tall you are, one photo of you smiling that’s low key, and one of you either traveling or playing a sport. Add your height into your profile details, something witty or some joke about how you’re looking for your lobster, and BAM! Instant date.

God, I’m so sick of looking at that profile. Also, heads up guys, photos where I can’t see your face do not inspire confidence. And if I start a conversation, and ask you questions, and all you do is answer them without initiating conversation back, I’m out.

By the way, when did interesting conversation die? Who decided that “hey, how are you” “good, you?” “good, want to grab a drink?” was enough of an introduction to convince me to disrupt my schedule to meet up with you? And at the same time, convince me you’re not a serial killer? Call me crazy, but I’d like a little more.

And while we’re at it, just because I agree to go on a date with you does not give you any ownership over me, or any right to tell me not to meet anyone else, ask me how my luck has been on dating apps, or make jokes about my sex life. Clearly I’m not dating anyone, I’m on the fucking app. And just as clearly, you’re also talking to 6 other people, as am I, because Bumble and Tinder are numbers games, and it takes me about 127 “heys” and “how are yous” to find one that I actually want to spend some time with.

I get it. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m a pretty straight forward person. I know what I want, I’m confident, I was taught how to take care of myself and that I didn’t need a man to do it. You might even call me a [GASP] liberal, or if you’re really daring, a feminist. Cover your ears, children. Those are forbidden words these days.

Is it too much to ask for a good conversation on a date? I don’t want to talk about how drunk you got last week. I don’t want to hear about how you and the guys went to Vegas and gambled away thousands of dollars and paid extravagant amounts of money for bottle service to watch strippers. I don’t want to hear about how you and your boss were entertaining clients and accidentally got so drunk you puked for hours. I did that in college. Hell, I might even do it this weekend. But I sure as hell don’t want to sit there and hear about it from you. That’s not a cool story, bro. It happens. People do it. You’re not proving to me how big your dick is, you’re just showing me you are one.

Can’t we talk about literature? Or have a spirited conversation about the state of the country? Maybe talk about your creative habits, or where you want to travel and why, your family’s history, what you want to be when you really grow up. Am I asking for too much here? Do people not talk about these things anymore?

I have this dream, that one day, I’ll meet a stranger in a bar, or maybe a coffee shop. He’ll see the book in my hand, or bump into me, and we’ll start talking about literature and the greats and how Ernest Hemingway was the great American novelist and F Scott was a close second, or maybe it’s the other way around. We’ll talk about the state of the country and how everyone is so divided that they can’t see past their own feet, but maybe, hopefully, our generation can be the one to reset politics, to bring back bipartisan legislature that actually helps the constituents and sets our country back on track. Someone who can challenge my admittedly leftist views and give me food for thought. Someone who enjoys a witty repartee about politics and culture. Someone who not only has time for the news and current events but cares and wants to get involved.

In this day and age of Bumble and Tinder and Hinge and J-Swipe and I’m sure a thousand others that I haven’t heard of because I purposefully keep my head under a rock when it comes to dating apps, can you still meet someone in an organic, meaningful way? Can you have a conversation that goes beyond, “so like, what brewery do you go to?” and “yeah, my buddies and I were so wasted last weekend, it was awesome.”? Tell me there’s still hope. Or at least, let me live in my fantasy world with my tall, dark, intelligent stranger.
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And please, God, don’t ask me why I’m still single, or when I’m going to start dating someone. I can’t promise I won’t punch you in the face if you do.